


The List

by Sunnyrea



Category: Star Trek (2009), Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Fluff, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-06-25
Updated: 2009-06-25
Packaged: 2017-10-06 12:53:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/53873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sunnyrea/pseuds/Sunnyrea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James Kirk is starting a list of all the different species he's slept with, clearly McCoy needs to hear all about it. This is what the academy is for after all, sex and friend torture. But what could it lead to?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The List

The door to the room beeped open and with a fairly theatrical tumble and a somewhat less than convincing groan, in came one James Kirk. Flopping face first onto his bed, James lay still for all of about three seconds before springing up again and settling cross-legged, clearly staring at Leonard McCoy.

Slowly, Bones lowered his padd to look at James over the top of it.

"Yes, Jim?"

"Do you remember that girl I was telling you about the other night?"

Bones sighed, still looking over the edge of the padd. "Which one? I believe you were going on about several."

"The blue one."

McCoy held back comment on Kirk's apparent lack of interspecies nomenclature and just nodded with an annoyed expression. James leaned closer from where he sat across from Bones, coming perilously close to falling off his bed.

"Well, apparently their skin exudes pheromones!"

Bones raised an eyebrow. "Didn't know you knew what those were."

Jim gave him an incredulous look then went on. "Yeah, but really, I can't believe how much it improves-"

"And you're done!" Bones snapped, slapping his padd down on his bed.

Kirk pouted, but had a wicked look in his eye. "You're no fun."

"You know, some of us do require study for our Starfleet courses you know. Not all of us can breeze through by sleeping with our professors."

"You mean you haven't?"

Bones just sighed again.

"And, really, it was only that one time and she was Bajoran. I had to get another check on my list."

"You don't have a list."

"Are you sure about that?" Jim smirked.

McCoy stood up from his bed, picking up the discarded padd, and could not help a smirk. "If you do have that list, Jim, I can't wait until you get to Klingon."

"Sleeping with the enemy?" Jim quipped.

Bones had to laugh.

*******

"So, I've decided I really am going to make a list."

Bones looked up from his half eaten ravioli as James practically crashed down into the seat opposite him and blinked. "What?"

"You know, a list of species to sleep with."

"Do you know how long that list would be?"

James pursed his lips. "You have a point there. Well, I could always limit it to species who are members of Starfleet..."

"Jim..."

"Or I could just make the list as I go and add species that way. Of course I'll have to put down what I've already done till now."

"Jim..."

"You know I should also make a list of different sexual customs and positions. I mean this Betazoid who I was with the other night-"

"Jim!"

A number of other cadets at the tables surrounding them jumped and looked over at the two, staring for a moment before going back to their meals. James gazed back at McCoy, mouth still slightly agape from stopping mid-sentence.

"Are you out of your mind? Don't you have more important things to be doing than making a list of the different species you sleep with?"

James smirked. "I'm a multi-tasker."

"Since when?" Bones said derisively.

"Since Jessica and T'ala last night."

Bones almost snorted his drink out of his nose.

*******

"The warp drive is the basis of all ships in the fleet. Though many of you will not become engineers, it is still essential for all Starfleet personnel to know..."

"Bones," Jim hissed, elbowing the older man.

"Yes?" he whispered back.

"I have a date tonight with Aaress."

"What?" McCoy snorted quietly. "Isn't she a Deltan?"

"Exactly!" Jim replied, pointing with his notes padd. "They're one of the most sexual species in Starfleet. This might be a whole new night for me, a level of sex I've never been to before."

"Have you been taking philosophy without me?"

"This could be the best night of my entire sexual life. I might never have a sexual experience like this one ever again! This could be the very best out there!"

Kirk beamed at Bones, the quiet drone of the professor behind them. Putting down his stylus, McCoy turned to look at Kirk full on.

"You do know all Deltans take a vow of celibacy when they enter Starfleet?"

Jim's face fell. "What?"

A girl to the right of them cleared her throat loudly, giving them a glare. Bones turned around so he was facing the front of the lecture hall again, then spoke lowly.

"Protective measure, so they don't take advantage of a fellow crew member."

Bones raised an eyebrow, glancing out of the corner of his eye at Jim. The other man was staring hard at the desk in front of him. Then he turned his head slightly to look at Bones.

"What if I want to be taken advantage of?"

*******

"Now this," Maxwell said as he sat down at the table, "is the good stuff, the real stuff."

He set the five glasses down in the middle of the table, and each man seated grabbed a glass almost as soon as the blond-haired cadet had put them down. Bones took a quick gulp and smiled at the burning feeling.

"What exactly is it?" Vaten asked.

"What?" Kirk said with a slur. "Don't you have whiskey on Bajor?"

"Aldebaran whiskey," Maxwell corrected, knocking half of his back in one gulp. "It really has more of a kick than human whiskey."

"The green color is a bit unsettling," Johnson said, but he drank his anyway, wheezing slightly after his first sip.

"Careful, there," Bones said. "Do you know what kind of effect Aldebaran whiskey can have on a first time drinker's stomach lining?"

They all stared at McCoy with incredulous faces. Taking another gulp of his drink, Bones just pursed his lips.

"It's not too pretty."

"I'm sure it wouldn't be, but the boy's gotta learn sometime!" Jim crowed, slapping Johnson on the back and grinning.

Bones raised his eyebrows at Jim, leaning out of the way as the man beside him swayed in his seat and nearly spilled his drink on McCoy's pants.

Maxwell snorted a laugh and downed the rest of his drink. Slamming the glass down on the table, he clapped his hands together, the sound barely audible in the noisy bar.

"Who's ready for another?"

Johnson and Vaten both scoffed at the same time Kirk raised his still half-full glass in the air.

"I am!"

Bones grabbed the glass out of Kirk's hand before he dropped the whole thing, and put it down on the table.

"Why don't I get us some more?" he said placatingly to the other two increasingly drunk men.

Maxwell may have not appeared as drunk at Jim, but Bones' knew he was. Maxwell just wasn't as noisy a drunk as Jim was. Then again, no one was ever as noisy as James Kirk in any respect.

"I'll come with you," Maxwell said, standing with a slight wobble.

"Me too!" Kirk said, launching himself to his feet, miraculously keeping his balance.

"Um..."

Kirk swayed again, grabbing onto McCoy's shoulder for support. "Wouldn't want you to carry them all yourself!"

"Plus, I know just what we need," Maxwell said, starting off toward the bar.

"All right, all right," Bones said, catching Kirk by the waist before he fell.

"I'm fine, I'm fine," James said, disentangling himself from the doctor. "Let's go."

"Hope you make it back," Johnson quipped with a grin at Bones.

He just scowled in response. Catching up to the other two, Bones struggled his way through a pair of drunk ladies and finally reached the bar. Maxwell had his arm slung over Kirk's shoulders, staring at a list of drinks in front of him.

"I swear I had something in mind before we came over here..."

"I say we pick by color," Jim said. "Have we had anything red tonight?"

"You might want to watch that," Bones said moving in next to Jim. "There are some blood drinks served here, and I am not administering you any tranquilizers tonight no matter how much you moan."

Maxwell laughed, his hand squeezing Jim's shoulder. "Maybe you should pick another color, then."

Kirk stared at Bones for a moment, then slapped him good naturedly on the cheek. "Doctor always looking out for his patients."

"I do room with you, in case you'd missed that, and I'd like to sleep without hearing you cry all night."

Jim just pouted and turned back to the menu with Maxwell.

"I wonder if any of these increase sexual prowess," he muttered.

Bones pinched the bridge of his nose.

*******

Bones was sitting on the steps to the Xenobiology lab, sweating ever so slightly in his cadet uniform. Two padds were in his hands and he was scrolling through the list of Vulcan diseases which were going to be covered in his exam the next day. It was amazing how many had the exact same symptoms. Suddenly, a shadow blocked the sun, and he looked up to see James Kirk smiling down at him.

"Jim, you're blocking my light."

"There's plenty out here," James replied with a slight quirk of his lips and a wave of his hand.

Then he crouched down in front of McCoy, peering slightly over the edge of the padds.

"What're you doing?"

"I have an exam tomorrow."

"Doctor stuff?"

McCoy sighed and looked up at Jim without responding. James looked back at him with a more blank expression than usual, especially for someone so exuberant. Bones lowered his padds and tilted his head slightly.

"What? Was one of last night's additions to your species list not up to par?"

"Well, not exactly..." Kirk said, tottering a bit on his toes.

"Then what?"

Kirk looked away as if embarrassed then put his hands on Bones' knees for balance and turned back.

"I slept with Maxwell."

McCoy's eyebrows flew up and he smirked in surprise.

"Maxwell?"

"Yeah."

"Maxwell from the bar the other night, Maxwell?"

"Yes."

"Blond, I'm-going-to-be-the-best-pilot-ever-and-I'm-a-bit-of-an-asshole, Maxwell?"

"That's the one."

"Ah."

Kirk rocked back and forth on his feet gazing at McCoy in earnest, as if waiting for the doctor's judgment or approval over his declaration. Bones put the padds down on the step beside them and threaded his fingers together.

"So?"

Kirk smiled broadly and spun around so he was sitting properly on the stairs, leaning his back against McCoy's shins. He crossed his arms over his chest and McCoy could imagine a wistful sort of expression on the other's face from the sound of his voice.

"It was... good, definitely good."

Suddenly McCoy couldn't help himself. "Are you adding him to the list?"

Kirk burst out laughing.

*******

"I've decided I'm not going to limit the list to females of the species."

McCoy's hand paused and he stared at the computer screen in front of him for a moment counting to ten in his head. Kirk spoke again before he reached seven.

"I mean, I'm not going to make it a standard practice or anything, not one of each, and certainly female will always be my first choice, but-"

McCoy swiveled around in his chair away from the desk. "Are you going through some sort of life altering personal journey right now? Because I don't really need to be kept appraised of the entire account. You can just tell me when you've reached the end of it."

"Bones, if I was going through such a thing, wouldn't you want to know every single aspect?"

"No."

James pouted and sat up from where he was lying on his bed. "Come on, you'd enjoy it."

McCoy scoffed. "Computer, please log the time and date of James Kirk's descent into insanity."

"Unable to comply, personal log-"

"Yeah, I got it," Bones cut off the emotionless female voice.

James jumped up from his bed and crossed his arms. "I don't think you are taking the list seriously, Bones."

McCoy blinked at him and leaned back in his chair. "It's your list."

James walked over so he was standing over McCoy, looking vaguely authoritative except for the coy grin across his features. He put his hands on his hips.

"It is, in fact, a serious form of research which involves a great deal of work and personal investment on my part, and which I think you should acknowledge. This may turn into a published work, you know."

"Good to see you putting your skills to use."

Jim grinned and leaned over, slightly invading McCoy's personal space. "And, no, I am not going through some sort of 'life altering personal journey right now, as a matter of fact."

"Well, that's good to know," McCoy replied, unmoving.

Kirk nodded and stood up straight. Then he turned and walked back over to his bed, lying back on it. McCoy turned his chair around slowly and looked back at his computer screen.

"I have a date with a Trill named Jella tonight," Kirk said.

McCoy did not turn around, repressing a sigh. "Oh?"

"She's got a symbiont, too. I wonder if that changes Trill sex at all."

McCoy just pursed his lips.

*******

The two of them were in the library pouring over padds and library computer ports. McCoy had a padd with notes on alien regenerative abilities to his left, a padd about gaseous anomalies to his right, and the computer terminal in front of him had a display about cooling warp drive systems in Constitution class ships. Beside him Kirk had a pile of what looked like about ten padds stacked precariously beside where his head rested on the desk.

"Jim?" Bones said quietly.

Kirk did not respond so McCoy lightly shook his shoulder. Jim jerked, sitting up suddenly and almost knocking his pile of padds to the ground.

"I'm up, I'm up," he said, clearing his throat noisily. He blinked a few times then looked over at McCoy. "What time is it?"

"Only 1600."

"Oh, god," Jim said, rubbing the heel of his palms into his eyes. "What time does the library close?"

"It's open until 2200 because of mid-term exams starting."

"Right, right," Kirk said with a nod and a yawn. "Damn, I don't know how much more of this I can take."

"Well, you better take more," McCoy said with a grunt. "You still have warp theory to go over, and I know you didn't read that xenobiology padd I gave you."

"Maybe I want to fail that exam."

"You certainly would make a terrible doctor, I can say that."

Jim pulled a padd out of the middle of his stack and held it out in front of his face.

"All the words are blurring together," he said with a slightly frustrated tone.

"Maybe you should hold it back a bit further from your face."

"Thanks, Bones."

"Do you want a tranquilizer?"

"I thought you'd cut me off?"

"I'm enabler; I can't stop."

Kirk chuckled loudly and the cadet at the terminal next to him turned his head sharply to glare at him. Kirk just turned his winning smile toward him, making him blush and turn away.

"You're terrible, you know that?" McCoy said as Jim turned back.

"Do you want to go to dinner tonight?" Kirk said, then snapped his mouth shut, looking almost shocked with himself for asking it.

McCoy opened his mouth then closed it again, surprised by the nervous expression on Jim's face. He quirked an eyebrow then let out a puff of air in minor confusion.

"Uh, I though we'd just grab something quickly at the mess then come back here. More time to crunch the padds before tomorrow."

Kirk bit his lip briefly, then nodded vigorously, waving a hand in dismissal.

"Yeah, of course, yeah. You're right. Good plan."

James turned back to his computer looking hard at the screen in front of him. McCoy watched him for a moment, feeling like he'd missed something then turned back to the padds on the desk before him.

*******

The two of them were in their room, Jim a blur of movement as he scrambled around the room clearly looking for something. Bones just watched him with a fairly bemused expression from where he sat on his bed.

"Are you sure you still have this supposedly amazing shirt? Maybe you left it at the last person's place."

"I most definitely have it."

"Do you even need to have this specific shirt for this girl tonight?"

"I do."

"Just not anywhere you think you might have put it."

"I have it."

"Clearly, you have it hidden from yourself because its just that great of a shirt."

Kirk paused long enough to give Bones a half-serious glare before moving on again, dropping down to reach his arm under his bed. Bones leaned forward from where he sat, trying to see under Jim's bed.

"Did you check the wash?"

Jim suddenly stopped moving then sat up on the floor. "Um..."

"And you want to be a Starfleet officer?" McCoy said with slight mirth.

Jim stood up and wagged a finger at the other. "Just wait until I'm your Captain, Bones. Then you'll have to keep that sarcasm to yourself."

Bones scoffed. "I don't know which half of that sentence is more ridiculous."

Jim stuck his head in his closet, his voice muffled. "True, you'd never be able to reign in that delightful personality of yours."

"I feel I should be offended."

Coming out of the closet with a blue shirt in his hand, Jim shook his head and grinned. "Oh, never, Bones. Never."

Bones leaned back against the wall beside his bed, looking down at the floor as Jim worked at turning the shirt right side out again while cursing under his breath. Chewing on the inside of his mouth, Bones looked up at the other man. Having finally fixed the shirt, Kirk pulled it over his head and pushed his arms through. He then looked over at McCoy and saw the other watching him.

"What?"

"You remember last week at the library, when you asked me about going to dinner?"

Kirk's hands froze for a moment where they had been smoothing out the wrinkles on his shirt, then began moving again though far slower and with less intent than before. "Yes?"

McCoy sat up. "You weren't just asking me if I wanted to get dinner. You were asking me if I wanted to go with you out to dinner." Bones cleared his throat, not looking away. "As in a date out to dinner."

James wasn't looking at him as he spoke, just staring at the far wall. Then he breathed in slowly, hands dropping, and he looked back at McCoy.

"Yes," he said.

"Ah..." Bones replied.

For what felt like an extremely long span of time, the two men just looked at each other, neither one moving at all, almost not even breathing. They kept eye contact either waiting for the other to move first or the tension to break. Then James stepped backwards once and looked away. Bones turned his head and uncrossed his legs.

"I have to go," Jim said and Bones looked back at him. "Date with Joyal... she's from Risa, got to be very excit... in be... and... anyway, we're going to that new restaurant out in... anyway, I'll be back late."

Then he turned and was out the door before McCoy could say anything.

*******

When James came slowly up the hill toward their dormitory, McCoy was sitting outside on the side porch in the darkening light with a padd in his hand. He wasn't actually reading the padd, mostly just staring off into space, so he noticed Kirk before he spoke.

"You're back early," Bones said, putting the padd down.

"Yeah."

"Not the night you expected? She was from Risa, right?"

"Yes, well..." Kirk trailed off as he reached the edge of the porch.

Kirk didn't come any closer, as if afraid to enter the boundary of the stone deck. Then Bones stood up from his chair and walked over to Jim, stopping right in front of him.

"Jim, about earlier, I shouldn't-"

McCoy did not get to say what he should not have done because James Kirk suddenly grasped the sides of his face and kissed him, stopping the words in McCoy's throat. James pressed his lips hard against McCoy's for a few seconds before pulling back, his breath shuddery. Bones opened his eyes, not even realizing they'd been closed, to see James' earnest face staring back at him.

Bones' hands came up to grasp Jim's arms and they met in the middle. Lips parted and breath twice as fast as before, James kissed Bones and Bones kissed James. It was as if they suddenly could not stop. Jim's fingers crept into McCoy's hair pulling him closer so their bodies touched, arousal spiking in them both. Kirk pressed his lips hard enough into Bone's to bruise while Bone's one arm wrapped around Jim's waist as if to stop him from escaping. Kirk's tongue reached out into Bones' mouth, inciting a low groan from Bones' throat. Their breath came hard and fast through their noses, lips unwilling to part even for that, kissing over and over again. Their lips together felt right, like something they certainly should have done by now.

Finally, they slowed down, after neither really knew how long... Minutes, half an hour, all night... Bones had his arms around Jim keeping them tied together. Kirk, as he was wont to do, couldn't seem to stop moving even then. His hands kept running through Bone's hair and over his cheeks as he kept kissing Bones quickly, then grinning like a maniac, then kissing him again.

"All right," McCoy said.

Jim kissed him.

"I know, all right."

Jim kissed him hard again.

"All right!" McCoy said sharper. "I'd like to breathe at some point."

"I don't think so," Kirk replied, giving him another kiss.

Bones brought a hand up between them, pressing his fingers against Kirk's lips. "Relax, wonder boy."

"Ooo, I like the sound of that," Kirk said against McCoy's fingers.

McCoy snorted. "Not surprising."

"Have you breathed enough yet?"

"I hope to keep on breathing for a long time."

"I don't."

"You would say that."

James pulled one hand out of McCoy's hair and grasped his fingers. "I prioritize kissing you over breathing right now."

"That's not reall-"

Kirk cut him off, pressing his lips against McCoy's open mouth again. Bones made a somewhat surprised and appreciative noise, which caused Jim to laugh into the kiss and lightly bite Bones' lip. Pulling back, Kirk breathed in slowly and made a ridiculously happy sighing noise.

"I think we need to go inside."

McCoy snorted, his voice full of sarcasm. "Am I going to learn about the well practiced sex drive of James T. Kirk?"

James dropped his hands to Bones' waist and pulled himself against the other man making him gasp in surprise.

"I think we need to go inside now," Kirk repeated, slow and insistent.

Bones nodded. "Yes, we do."

*******

When Leonard McCoy opened his eyes it was still dark. He was lying on his side in his bed, with James beside him half on his stomach, pressing Bones into the wall. It was slightly cramped but not inherently uncomfortable. The other man had his arm across Bones' waist and his face in the crook of Bones' neck. It was, dare he say it, cute.

"Computer, time," he said quietly.

"The time is 0416," the female voice chirped.

"Quietly..." Bones muttered but James only shifted slightly beside him.

Sighing, Bones let his eyes adjust to the darkness. Their clothes were all in a jumble on Kirk's bed, as well as the sheets, which were, in fact, nearly all on the floor. The precious blue shirt was all the way across the room, in a heap by the closet from whence it came. McCoy smirked and glanced down at the sleeping man beside him. Freeing his left hand from under the sheets, he ran it idly through Jim's hair, feeling the trace of sweat sticking the hairs together. Bones mustn't have been asleep for very long, but he hadn't really been paying attention to the time then.

"What did the computer say?" James muttered into Bones' neck.

Bones smiled a little and glanced down. "0416."

"Mmhmmm..."

"Go back to sleep."

He chuckled sleepily. "I like when you're authoritative."

"Here we go," McCoy said, but he was smiling.

Turning his head slightly, Jim opened his eyes and looked up at him.

"Be nice," Jim said. "You have a naked man in your bed."

McCoy rolled his eyes and brushed Jim's hair again. "Oh, watch me swoon."

"I love it when you're sarcastic," Jim said, pressing a kiss into Bones' lips.

"Which would be most of the time."

Jim grinned. "Exactly."

"So," Bones said, scooting James over so he had more room, "am I going to be added to the list?" Bones made a mock writing motion in the air. "Human, male, doctor."

James barked a laugh. "Oh, no, I don't think so."

"You mean it's not actually a written list?"

"No, no, I mean you're not going on it."

McCoy cocked an eyebrow and pursed his lips. "Really?"

"You're your own list, Bones, don't you know that?"

"Why, James Kirk, that may be the most romantic thing I've ever heard you say."

Kirk shoved him into the wall with a laugh, then pulled him close, kissing him fervently. Suddenly pushing Bones so he was lying fully on his back, Jim wriggled up so he was lying on top of him, hands flat against the doctor's chest.

"I think I need to make you shut up so I will be spared this vicious wit."

"Oh, really?"

Kirk smiled wickedly, reaching his hand down between them. "Yes, really."

Bones gasped sharply and grinned simultaneously as Jim kissed him again, hands touching and lips pressing hot against each other.

The 'species to have sex with' list did not grow for a while after that night.


End file.
